Jane and I have talked about why the wives are driving their husbands crazy.  Our conclusion is that in the absence of leadership from the husbands, our wives will first “panic”[1] and then “take over.”[2]  (Both reactions tend to drive their men crazy!)  When that happens, from the Biblical examples of Eve and Jezebel, we see serious trouble brewing over the horizon for the marriage and family.  I have asked Jane to share about four leadership areas we believe a Christian wife needs from her loving husband.

What Does a Wife Want?

Knowing what women want, feel, need, or desire is a mystery to the majority of the male population and more often even to women themselves.  Ask any given women the above and the answer may vary from hour to hour or day to day depending on the weather.  So in the midst of this confusion, The Taipei Christian Church’s recent MK (Married with Kids) survey produced some relatively clear answers.

In 1 Peter 3: 7 the Scriptures refer to the wives as spiritual partners with a weaker nature.  It is my conviction that the ‘weakness’ referred to in this passage is not referring to our inequality as humans but that we have an emotional nature packaged with it’s insecurities, fears, and questions as to our value as a person. With this in mind, the most urgent issue in a recent survey for the MK sisters is “men’s leadership.”  It is a given that Christian women want to be led.  Surprised?  But when leadership is lacking, it is a great temptation for wives to step in and fulfill that role.

Being married for over 18 years, I have had my share of victories, joy, and growth.  But I have also had my share of insecurities, feelings, frustration, and failures.  We have a solid spiritual marriage because it takes God’s wisdom, prayer, humility, hard work, determination, and deep reflection from the both of us.  It takes consistent surrender, acceptance of responsibility, and a willingness to trust on my part.  But, it also takes Steve’s initiative in spiritual leadership, his willingness to communicate, and decisive decision-making. You can’t have one without the other.

There are four important sources of “insecurity” in a marriage for women. These are the areas that we most need our husbands’ leadership in this partnership.

1. Spiritual Leadership: 

Christian wives often know their husbands better than themselves. The wives pay special attention to their husbands’ spiritual walk, in which they look for integrity, initiative, and leadership in the shared family life.  Wives will feel confident knowing their husbands are strong with the Lord.  We are inspired by the many leaders in the Bible for their heart of creativity, humility, compassion, courage, and passion.  They have dreams to transform into reality, plans to fulfill God’s will, and a fierce determination to beat the odds of impossibility.  They are leaders because they lead by example.

I see Steve’s walk with God up-close and personal.  He takes prayer walks daily, shares his insights from the Bible, and discusses things he has seen in his character and the corresponding changes that need to happen.  He is an advocator of personal retreats, making radical decisions and creating solutions for life problems.

My conviction has always come down to trusting my husband’s heart because I have seen that despite his mistakes, weaknesses or times of pressure, he has been determined in his fight for faith.

What do the wives admire about their husbands’ spiritual leadership these days in our Church?  The survey seems to suggest a crisis in our midst.

2. Communication Leadership: 

Wives equate communication with intimacy.  We want to know what our husbands are thinking; what bother them; how they feel about certain issues, not because we are busybodies, but because we are interested in discovering who our husbands are as a person. When there are fights, (and there are many opportunities for that), we want the differences to be resolved, forgiven and repented of on both sides.  Today, men are more likely to give up, be frustrated and highly dislike having to communicate with their spouses. It may stem from being tired and stressed in their job situations, financial difficulties, or a plain lack of motivation.  What we do know is that without this vital lifeline of knowing what our husbands are thinking, feeling, and facing, we are quick to assume and to feel insecure, which lead to a host of irrational conclusions to the wall of silence.

I am grateful for my husband’s communication competence.  (Like many guys, he didn’t really have them when we first got married, but I believe that he worked at it.)  It is a weakness for me to know what I really feel & want in my heart.  Steve has worked at helping me to express my feelings and is direct & honest in his convictions, feelings, and thoughts. We have rules in fighting fairly, and he most often is the first to apologize.  He often reminds me that in our fights, Satan is actually the enemy.

3. Financial Leadership: 

Most women can and will survive on very little if they need to. But they can sacrifice with contentment when they know their spouse is working on a stable consistent job that in turn provides such income.  When a husband constantly changes his job due to various reasons, the wives become insecure, which often translate into resentment or “nagging” that would hurt the marriage.  No job can be free of pressure, failure, & disappointment, but often it is these hurdles that can cause one to look for a better horizon to set their career hopes on.  While this is sometimes necessary, men often take these sudden steps without considering all the ramifications on their wives & family. Thus, the result is a wife who is resentful, frustrated or insecure about what will happen as a result of a job change.  Questions that arise frequently from financial insecurity are: “Will we have a future?”  “Will the kids get clothed and fed properly?”  “When will we get out from under the pressure of debt?”

Steve and I have always had a working budget that is open to some flexibility, some savings and some investing for the children’s future.  He makes most of the decisions about contribution, savings, and larger purchases.  With a clear budget, I can handle the details & distribution with security knowing that we are unified on our financial goals & what we have invested for emergencies & the future.

4. Directional Leadership: 

Women seem to be created with an extra sensitive internal compass.  For this compass to be secure and at peace it needs to be clear at any given time where they are heading, what do they need to face, how they can prepare, and why they should be persevering on a course.  As Christian wives, we have been taught from God’s Word to “submit” and “surrender” to our husbands.  The Bible clearly emphasizes that wives are the “helper” to our husbands.  Many of us enjoy that role except when we are confused and lacking in a clear direction.  The husband’s leadership direction is pivotal to directing the family’s goals, scheduling, and special bonding opportunities.

In Genesis Chapter 3, Eve was clearly leading the direction of her spiritual walk as well as her marriage.  Whether it was a result of her pride, selfishness or lack of submission, she was leading the course of their marriage.  That result was spiritually devastating. When there is a vacuum of leadership in a family, the women tend to instinctively step up & take the lead because of their insecurity and need for a sense of control.  

Steve and I have consistently had discipleship time just for the two of us.  We use that time to make goals for the week, discuss schedule commitments, resolve concerns for our children, have fun and most importantly communicate vital direction as to where our life as a couple or family are headed.  (Of course, it is never like a business meeting, but we are mindful of those important issues during our time together.)  I am aware of what he hopes to accomplish in the next month, half year and even by the end of this year. We may not know the small details but I have a “big picture” of the what, why, when, and how.  It really makes a world of difference for me.

Conclusion:

Leadership in the family is not just about deciding what kind of TV to buy or where to vacation.  I hope, from what Jane shared, the married brothers can understand what kind of leadership our wives need from us.  In short,

l          Spiritual Leadership:  Do we take the time to read and pray?  Do we share our conviction and Scripture with our family?

l          Communication Leadership:  Do we let our wives in our hearts through making time to talk to her?

l          Financial Leadership:  Ask her if she is concerned with the family finance or if she feels insecure about the way you spend money.

l          Directional Leadership:  Ask her if she feels she has to nag to find out what is going to happen with family schedules, finance, etc, from you?

From the time of Adam and Eve, men are used to blame their wives for the trouble they are in.  Due to the lack of snake in our homes, the wives have begun to blame their husbands for their misery as well.  I fully believe if the married brothers can learn to provide leadership in these areas, we will find our wives more than willing to be supportive and submissive.  The choice is up to us.

Steve Chin

Lead Evangelist

Taiwan Churches of Christ